


anybody in this chat smoke weed?

by antisocialheadphoneskid



Series: Cryptid Spottings With Ed and Al Elric Over Text:tm: [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: (and theres too many relationships i just put down the basics lmao), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Edward Elric Swears, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Gay Edward Elric, Gay Ling Yao, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Lesbian Winry Rockbell, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Lan Fan, Pansexual Alphonse Elric, Siblings, Slice of Life, Texting, Trans Edward Elric, Trans Mei Chan | May Chang, i forgot., lan fan and mei are still questioning btw so i didnt put anything down, oh i love this tag, paninya will be entering In Later Chapters., relationships and characters will be updated!, still in fma verse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-03-05 18:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antisocialheadphoneskid/pseuds/antisocialheadphoneskid
Summary: bro... bro.......... its basic alchemy bro....................... (in a modern sense).............. in order to obtain something you have to give something up, bro.......... its the law of equivalent exchange............... bro.............................. .. . . .





	1. arm theft shennanigans

**Author's Note:**

> bc im absolutely unoriginal, heres a groupchat fic...... its basically set on discord because thats the only messenger i use lmao
> 
> usernames are as follows (in server / actual username):
> 
> ed: mr barnes / magnet  
> al: i lived, bitch!! / tin can  
> winry: winnie the pooh / mechtech  
> ling: nsfl (nobodys safe from ling) / [wii theme]  
> mei: not ni hao kai lan / is that a chicken?  
> lan fan: i dont need a lanny / i want to be ninja
> 
> list will be updated as more characters are introduced!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to go further into depth: its still the fma verse, but advanced in a sense so its around ~our point~ in history. the countries, alchemy, etc still exist tho. i refer to the countries as shown in fma as well, but heres a few general notes for the fic as a whole:
> 
> -xing is based off of china, so i use chinese as the language (tell me if its not ok! im not chinese so idk)  
> -amestris is generally europe, there is no specific place it was based off of, so i just went with english.  
> -expect things in our world entwined in this story! i wanted to add our technology with their already existing alchemy and automail kinda stuff.  
> -I AM NOT well versed in lan fan and meis personalities so theyll most likely be ooc for the first chapter  
> -ed lost his limbs in an accident (still involving alchemy, but not human transmutation) that also killed their mother. al was in a coma for a while and almost died  
> -the elrics vaguely have ties to military/police and its under mysterious circumstances  
> -in true fma groupchat/modern au fashion, hoenheim is referred to as The Cryptid.
> 
> thatis all thanks.

**#general**

 

 **mr** **barnes**

ok.

hi guys. my friends. my **pals**.

and my brother

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Hi, Ed.

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

what happened this time ^^ ?

 

**mr barnes**

i can and **will** cut you down i swear to GOD ling

i can hear your smug voice from here

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

at least youll finally be taller than someone !!

 

**mr barnes**

AHUT UR FUCKING FACE

im electing to ignore you because i have a Problem. as in my fucking ARM IS MISSING

 

**i dont need a lanny**

Your… arm is missing

 

**mr barnes**

I CURRENTLY AM DOWN ONE LIMB YES

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

**where did it go? what?**

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

huh ( ・◇・)？

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

is that a kaomoji

 

**mr barnes**

look it has to be herw SOMEWHERE

typing with one hand is Hella Straight

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Uh, brother ?

 

**mr barnes**

what, al

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

I think you forgot to tell them.

 

**mr barnes**

H

shit idiot brain not remembering things

i thought it was obvious bc of my nickname

im missing my PROSTHETIC ARM

 

**i dont need a lanny**

It wasn't that obvious…

Your arm is missing?

The real one that is

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

OH THE "HELLO MR BARNES" VINE

you mean you have a robot arm ???? +_+

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

do u need a hand then ?

 

**mr barnes**

I WILL DECK YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST GOD

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

it was a joke!!!! just a joke!!!

this is a rather odd way of telling someone this but thank you ^^

 

**mr barnes**

i still will Bitch

,,, and whatever shut up

listen ill get into this all later but i kind of need to find my fucking arm first before winry finds out

 

**winnie the pooh**

Edward Fucking Elric

 

**mr barnes**

**SHIT**

 

 **nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**  
(-’๏_๏’-)

 

**winnie the pooh**

I just came back from the garage

Only to find out

That you have somehow *lost* your arm!

**The one I just remodeled for you?**

**Remember that? Brand new arm?**

 

**mr barnes**

HEY ITS NOT MY FAULT QUIT BLAMING ME

 

**winnie the pooh**

**_ITS YOUR ARM_ **

 

**mr barnes**

I MOMENTARILY TOOK IT OFF TO PUT ON MY BINDER N ITS GONE

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

thats something you dont hear every day

 

**mr barnes**

no shit but FUCK

idk where it could be im LITERALLY just at home

and not to mention taking it off didnt help me put this dumb thing on

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Oh, brother.

I can't believe you've already lost your arm again...

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

...again????

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

i have so many questions

 

**mr barnes**

i said i would explain later calm down

 

**winnie the pooh**

You fuckin,

I will NOT forgive you until you find your arm Ed

 

**mr barnes**

**ITS PROBABLY JUST IN MY ROOM CALM DOWN**

wait

is that

one second

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

**There's a dog just lugging his arm outside?**

 

**winnie the pooh**

WHAT

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

should i get my tea out?

i only have. green tea. how does this happen

 

**i dont need a lanny**

I’m pretty sure it’s because you don’t like tea

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

hmm…. well yes but also, Kind Of Royalty!

 

**winnie the pooh**

Stop flexing on us ):<

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

no! :)

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

It's a big fucking dog, I just want to say????

After Ed got his shirt on he immediately vaulted out the window and started chasing it. He didn't even put on shoes.

I guess I should go too """"

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

well i definitely wasnt expecting that!

take a video and send it to me ^^

 

**i dont need a lanny**

...Ling, I love you, but why

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

sounds funny!!!!

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

just go eat everything in your fridge ling :/

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

i already am!

but i swore we were just getting over all the Family Drama v.v"

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

we are dumbass!!! youre still dumb!!!

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

im so hurt :(

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

:PPPP

 

**i dont need a lanny**

Not to interrupt, but shouldn't we get back to what was happening before?

 

**winnie the pooh**

Yes, edward losing his _fucking_ arm

Again. This has happened before.

First time a dog has stolen it, though...

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

(・□・；）ho w….

 

**winnie the pooh**

Well USUALLY the dumbass gets into a fight, gets knocked out, and wakes up with his arm missing

He doesnt take it off often without reason, because it hurts to put back in. Cause the nerves are still connected, you know! It usually only comes off during repairs and when… Something like _that_ happens. Hes really impulsive but you already know that. Hes somehow managed to make it hurt less when taking it off, which is a bonus, but Im just a mechanic and I dont know how tbh..

I could honestly go on and on about how it works and all it's special details because its so **fucking cool** , but I think… ed would probably like to tell you himself. I cant disclose all the information about it. Heheh. Sorry.

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

still, thank you winry ^^

its very impressive haha

 

**winnie the pooh**

It sure is :')

Im just a humble mechanic and I love this probably more than youre interested,,

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

not at all!!

im actually pretty interested in this kinda stuff ^^

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

you mean youre interested in ed :)?

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

shut (*´・ｖ・)

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

AGAIN WITH THE KAOMOJIS

YOU ARE XINGESE

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

(⊙﹏⊙✿)

 

**i dont need a lanny**

눈_눈

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

lan fan not you toooooooo ))):

 

**i dont need a lanny**

Ling roped me into it... Forgive me...

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

[ _thisshit.mp4_ ]

This is what is happening.

The dog is obviously going somewhere ?

 

**winnie the pooh**

That

IDIOT

Why would cursing at a dog make it stop

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

I don't know but this definitely did owo

[  _alchemywrow.mp4_ ]

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

he doesnt have an ARM how did he do that

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

👀

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

He has a backup transmutation circle on the bottom of his shoe for when this happens!

Oh… Now he's yelling at a dog ""

And he can't grab his arm from the dog.

This is a mess…

 

**mr barnes**

10 bucks says i can scare this stupid dog with some fucking alchemy

im so pissed

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

im willing to bet that ╰(▔∀▔)╯

tho id take food as payment rather than money !

 

**mr barnes**

…

where bitch and dont say wendys

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

｡ﾟ( ﾟஇ‸இﾟ)ﾟ｡

 

**mr barnes**

hey ling? what the fuck

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

u said no wendys（ ; ; ）

 

**mr barnes**

...if you win well get wendys

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

(●♡∀♡)

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

not to be the only one with enough balls to say this

but gayyyyy

 

**mr barnes**

SHUT

NOW LET ME JUST GET THIS OVER WITH

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

(He's really red.)

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

〜(￣▽￣〜)

 

**winnie the pooh**

Gayness aside, if that dog damages  _my_ automail, Ill kill the dog AND ed myself.

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Understandable.

And, Ling…

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

yes? :o

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

It looks like you're going to win.

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

ヾ(＠† ▽ †＠）ノ

wendys here i coooome

 

**i dont need a lanny**

Do you really want to eat fast food Ling

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

lan im so offended that u think i WOULDNT

all those years of friendship...

 

**i dont need a lanny**

You have a perfectly good fridge at home,,

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

yeaaa but fast food is GOOD

 

**mr barnes**

fuck this fuck you i hate my life

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

(۶ꈨຶꎁꈨຶ )۶ʸᵉᵃʰᵎ

 

**mr barnes**

AGAIN EHAT THE FUCK

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

I had to intervene and get his arm back.

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

I WIN *✲ﾟ*｡✧٩(･ิᴗ･ิ๑)۶*✲ﾟ*｡✧

 

**mr barnes**

SHUT UP

WELL GET IT LATER

winry can i stop by your place to put it back on

 

**winnie the pooh**

Yes you big baby

I thought your pain tolerance was high :/

 

**mr barnes**

reconnecting nerves HURT you know this

i only did it once by myself and that was when i was about to fucking die by that Guy

and i probably fucked smth up doing it like that

 

**winnie the pooh**

...Yeah. I nearly forgot about that.

Get here soon, alchemy freak

 

**mr barnes**

gearhead

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

i feel like im missing some very important information!

 

**mr barnes**

me and winry were almost killed by this serial killer a few years ago

 

 **nsfl (nobodys safe from ling** )

(⊙…⊙ )

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

what pray tell the fuck

 

**mr barnes**

what can i say?

having ties to the police and military is whack

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

ah! a very ominous answer! thanks!

 

**i dont need a lanny**

Thanks, I hate it

 

**mr barnes**

you and me both

now i gotta get on to winrys

,,ling ill meet you later

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

(｡♥‿♥｡) mkay

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

So..

Do I need to have the shovel talk with Ling now?

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

|ω・）

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Ed hit me for that lol

I can't believe I'm facing verbal abuse from my own brother ):

He screamed at me to "shut the hell up, shorty."

He's shorter than me?

Looks like he's refusing to talk to me >.>"

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

萌萌哒

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

OOOOO LIIING

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

UHHHH

I DIDNY SAY ANYTHING DO NIT LOOK THAT UP (((╹д╹;)))

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

NDNGKENFNMHNFNH

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

That's pretty cheesy, Ling (:

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

NOOOO

 

**Direct messages**

**_magnet_ ** to **_mechtech_ **

 

**magnet**

winry i cant fucjibg do this

 

**mechtech**

And why are you texting me instead of just getting your ass over here ???

 

**magnet**

BECAUSE

I HATE LING SO MUCH

AND I DONT WANT TO TALK TO AL ABOUT IT

 

**mechtech**

Ed…

Youre hopelessly in love with him, arent you?

 

**magnet**

LEAVE ME ALONE I AM NOT

,,

i just cant get him out of my head

and i highkey want him to kiss me

and hold my hand

and smile at me even though his smile is annoying as shit

 

**mechtech**

Sounds pretty gay ;)

 

**magnet**

SHUT UP

this is totally. hetero

of course

 

**mechtech**

Whatever you say

Now get over here so you can get to your date

 

**magnet**

ITS NOT A DATE

 

**mechtech**

(Lmao.)


	2. gay RIGHTS!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me: im going to make this a slowburn fic! and not introduce all characters all at once!  
> also me, writing this chapter: well,

6:38 PM

 

 **_magnet_ ** to **_Ed's Gay Suffering_ **

  


**magnet**

mmmmmmmmMMMMMMB.C. FGGGGBGDX FG.J KHBCFDFH

 

**tin can**

Did something happen?

Aren't you on your date with Ling?

 

**magnet**

SHUT UP ITS NOT A DATE

but

he did

bbnbf

**_gbngGB kBBC fbbvb_ **

 

**mechtech**

Oh ;)????

 

**magnet**

AAAAAAAAA

were sitting here int his fucking wendys and

he asked me if he could see my arm so i let him

its not a big fucking deal since ive had it since i was like 10

he ran his hands over it and went "oh wow! winrys very good at this"

 

**mechtech**

;))))

 

**magnet**

shut it we all know youre good at automail

and then he just stopped. and fucking took my hand. and kissed it

so i got pissed (gayly of course) and said “what the hell was that for”

and he just said with his dumb little fucking smile. “itd be a crime not to address a prince properly”

like what the fuck does that mean im not a PRINCE

 

**mechtech**

ED DONT YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS

HE LIKES YOU  
  
HE SAID THAT BECAUSE TO HIM YOU _ARE A PRINCE_

 

**magnet**

HES THE FUCKIN PRINCE

i dont see. why he would

i. bebrbevbentnykkgkmgndnvfbgnhmgmfngnynfnneeynb

 

**tin can**

The Edward Elric Keysmash… owo...

...Are you hiding in the bathroom?

 

**magnet**

…

**…………….**

**no..**

 

**tin can**

Brother!!!!

You have to go back!! He could think you've rejected him!!!

 

**mechtech**

YEAH YOU BIG IDIOT GET OUT OF THERE

 

**magnet**

OH SHIT

i didnt mean to i just.

my face gets red n i get so flustered and i hatebhim

 

**tin can**

Ah yes, the infamous Edward Elric Fluster. Where you turn into a tomato and you start angrily giving Ling the death stare like it will convey your love.

 

**magnet**

shut it i dont turn into a tomato

sounds like itd be painful to transmute into

 

**tin can**

Figure of speech…

You turn really red? Like a tomato.

 

**magnet**

THEN WHY DIDNT YOU JUST SAY THAT AAAA

 

**mechtech**

To think a genius prodigy child like you would have figures of speech just go right over your head…

 

**magnet**

well its not MY FAULT IM AUTISTIC

jghgjgngngntbbbebdbfbg ughhhhhh i ahte this im so angry and im still flustered and i just want to punch him in the face

 

**tin can**

With your face.

 

**mechtech**

Softly.

 

**tin can**

We know, brother.

 

**magnet**

JUST SHUT UP

IM LEAVING AND GOING OUT THERE AND KISSING HIM TO SPITE YOU

 

**tin can**

That's not really spite """

 

**mechtech**

Let ed dream, al.

 

**tin can**

Sounds dangerous…

 

**mechtech**

LMAO

 

**tin can**

;)

  
  


**tin can**

Hm…

Ed's been gone a very long time now.

 

**mechtech**

I wonder what hes up to...

 

**tin can**

Probably making out with Ling fbgynnhjvhnbvny

 

**mechtech**

NOT what I want to think about

Youre like my brothers ewwww

 

**tin can**

Hey, think about how I feel! I _am_ his brother.

 

**mechtech**

Yikes…

 

**tin can**

I suffer daily. God has punished me for the weight of my sins.

 

**mechtech**

What sins lmao youre a baby

 

**tin can**

))))))))):

 

**magnet**

uhhhh

helloooo…

this is ling (,, ･∀･)ﾉ゛

 

**tin can**

…

Ling, care to explain why you have my brother's phone?

 

**magnet**

ε=ε=(っ*´□`)っ

he just asked me to tell you to quiet down (;´・`)> !!!!!!

theres nothin going on hhehghbgvhgb

 

**mechtech**

Where tf are you????

 

**magnet**

oh!

that place here

the

thing

悬崖

????

 

**tin can**

I looked it up. Do you mean a cliff?

 

**magnet**

YES

cliff on top of tiny city…

ive just been told its called a village

or a town?

sounds fake but ok

 

**tin can**

Oh! You mean the Lookout point above the town!

 

**magnet**

yes THAT

i cant believe i forgot a word like that.. sorry apparently i dont know amestrian v.v

 

**mechtech**

Its valid dw about it !

Is ed looking over your shoulder or something?

 

**magnet**

well actually hes in my arms but yes he can see ^^

oh haha he hit me

 

**tin can**

So… Is it… Official?????

 

**magnet**

[ _gays.png_ ]

yes (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

 

**mechtech**

GROSS SAPPY PDA

SCANDALOUS

 

**tin can**

Ah!! Congratulations brother!!!

It's about time haha...

 

**magnet**

i have my phone back now i couldnt use it earlier because i had my gloves off

but shut uppppppppp i hate you BOTH

and it was a CHEEK KISS winry youre not about to die,,

 

**mechtech**

Actually I am

Im melting. How could you have done this to your best friend ):

But more to the point what the fuckre you doing at the lookout point 👀

 

**magnet**

none of ur concern

hi ling here! were just looking at city lights (°◡°♡)

ling is now dead

 

**mechtech**

Its like a soap opera..

 

**tin can**

Make sure to come home soon, ok Ed ?

 

**magnet**

yeah yeah

ill be home when ling decides to let go of me

 

**tin can**

ówò...

 

**magnet**

**Why?**

 

**tin can**

I wish I had a relationship like yours is all…

 

**magnet**

easy fix: ask mei out

 

**tin can**

BROTHER!

 

**magnet**

im kidding!!

ling says to go for it but that hell eat you if you hurt her

 

**tin can**

Are you aware that your boyfriend is into vore?

 

**magnet**

STOP TALKING SWEAR TO GOD

he just went 😜 when he saw that

im about to dump him if he keeps this up

…..

nvm

 

**mechtech**

WHAT DID HE DO…

 

**magnet**

i kissed him (　´∀｀)

**ling keeps taking my fucking phone.**

 

**mechtech**

What did you expect?? Its ling

Hes taken your food, your will to live, your heart, and now your phone.

 

**tin can**

The youths of today sure do show affection weirdly…

 

**mechtech**

Al, youre the youngest here

 

**tin can**

Technically not, but okay.

 

**mechtech**

?????????

 

**tin can**

:)

 

**mechtech**

Ah. Gay fear. Thanks.

 

**magnet**

anyway

ill be back in a few hours or smth

 

**tin can**

Enjoy spending time with your boyfriend :)

 

**magnet**

WILL YOU SHUT IT WITH THAT!!!!!!!!

 

**tin can**

Sorry, I can’t. It’s my duty as the president of the Tease Edward Elric club.

 

**magnet**

why do you have to treat your older brother like this

 

**tin can**

Well,

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**magnet**

AAA

IM FUCKIN LEAVING NOW

ILL BE ON SILENT

 

**mechtech**

Ooh it sounds like things are gettin spicy ;)

 

**magnet**

lol ed got really flustered and he screamed

well be going now folks ^^ see you later !! o(〃＾▽＾〃)o

 

**mechtech**

Dont do anything crazy

No, actually, dont let ed do anything crazy.

 

**magnet**

winry,

after these months of knowing me,

you should know im just as bad as ed.

bye! (＾◇＾）ノ

 

**mechtech**

WELL THAT WASNT CONCERNING AT ALL /S

 

**tin can**

I feel like they’ll just get in trouble again…

 

**mechtech**

I guess all we can do now is pray 😔

 

**tin can**

😔

  


11:43 PM

 

Direct Messages

 

 **_magnet_ ** to **_tin can_ **

  


**magnet**

its a little late but im on my way home now

is mustang still awake?

 

**tin can**

I’m glad to hear that! I hope the date went well :)

And, no. He passed out while looking at some papers lol. You’re safe to come home without having to argue with Roy uwu

Riza was by today so she put him in bed, too. She can be so sweet on him...

I feel so weird calling Roy by his name after he adopted us,,

 

**magnet**

me too

i just. cant

call him dad

even though hes better than that fucking Bastard Cryptid ever was

 

**tin can**

I can’t either. It’s okay, brother. You aren’t supposed to do anything you don’t want to.

 

**magnet**

yeah

i guess

thanks al

 

**tin can**

Of course.

I’m just surprised you didn’t freak out when I said you went on a date with Ling 🤭

 

**magnet**

i guess im just in a forgiving mood tonight :/

dont count on it staying like that.

but ling is staying over

 

**tin can**

Scandalous! I thought you were a polite maiden, Edward!

 

**magnet**

SHUT UP I HATE YOU SOMETIMES

but

ling doesnt have anywhere to stay right now. fu had to go back to xing for a few days...

 

**tin can**

Oh...

I’m sure Mustang should be fine with it. I know he said he’d “Light up Romeo over there if he did anything funny,” but I’m hoping it’s a joke...

 

**magnet**

wow

now that name makes more sense

and knowing mustang its probably a real threat

ling is sweating now

 

**tin can**

You can be so oblivious, can’t you…

And fnngngkdnfnh?

 

**magnet**

hellooo cant read social cues here!!

 

**tin can**

Hdnkfngnfmdng yeah.

But anyway, now that Ling and you are dating, will Mustang still let him stay in your room…?

 

**magnet**

shiit i didnt think about that

were teenagers not dumbasses what does he think well do

 

**tin can**

For one thing, makeout.

 

**magnet**

…

well..

 

**tin can**

Gross!!!!! I don’t want to be thinking about that!!

 

**magnet**

get over it you big baby!!!

were almost home

 

**tin can**

I’ll be waiting :)

  


10:15 AM

 

 **_mr barnes_ ** to **_anybody in this chat smoke weed?_ **

 

**#general**

  


**mr barnes**

good morning gays

its been suspiciously quiet in here since yesterdays incident™

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

we were all waiting to see if you and ling got together +_+

 

**mr barnes**

wow. wow. thanks for that.

seeing as mustang almost incinerated ling this morning you got your fucking wish

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

WAIT SHIT EHAT

I WAS KIDDING

PLEASE GIVE ME THE DETAILS

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

and i almost died (⊙︿⊙✿)

and maybe later ^^

its been hectic !!!

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

you could have told me yesterday tho bich ):<

this is why our family drama started

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

NO it started because of that fucking dolphin

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

HDBNGGMNG NO

it was definitely that guy with the tophat and the platform shoes

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

THAT IMPLIES SOME SHIT

 

**i dont need a lanny**

你怎么不告诉我？ ):

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

没有时间  ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

)):

抱歉 。。。

 

**i dont need a lanny**

没什么 u_u

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

( ˘ ³˘)♥

 

**i dont need a lanny**

:)

 

**mr barnes**

im intrigued and confused

xingese looks cool. . .  .. .. .

 . .. . .. . . .

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

i can teach u sometime if ud like (๑>ᴗ<๑)

 

**mr barnes**

WAIT REALLY

 

**nsfl (not safe from ling)**

yes ❤

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

He’s short circuiting.

 

**winnie the pooh**

jffnngmhmgh gay

well, to celebrate this, lets welcome in a new member to the server

 

**mr barnes**

what happened to ur typing style what

 

**winnie the pooh**

im a lesbian. it was too much. too straight looking.

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Now I’m alone ):

And I’m pan, too )):

 

**i dont need a lanny**

I’m here too Al u_u

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

:’)

 

**winnie the pooh**

smh you two get with the times were all gay on main now

im a changed girl. especially because of my GIRLFRIEND

 

**mr barnes**

**What?**

 

—> **cat im a kitty cat** swooped into the chat.

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

HEY GAYS

 

**mr barnes**

WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JSKDFBDSJKDSGJDSGB SERIOUSLY I WASNT GOING TO FUCKING. I. I DIDNT MEAN TO SPEED EVERYTHING UP. but hey at least u got edling and paninya enters....??????? UIDSFBGVGGBGDS IM GONNA WRECK EVERYTHING FAIR WARNING THO
> 
> also, ed autistic real bc im autistic and projecting. and i got rlly tired of typing so properly with winry and i went Fuck This. Shes A Lesbian. All Lowercase.
> 
> i really love bilingual jokes. i dont think there any this chapter but there will be ;) not to mention the stupid inside joke abt how ling and meis family drama started, since the whole "50 clans' heirs fighting for the throne" thing was dismantled before they were born. realized it was kinda fucked, yknow?
> 
> heres the translations for the things not explicitly translated in the chapter:  
> 你怎么不告诉我？- why didnt you tell me?  
> 没有时间 - roughly "i had no time" iirc! feel free to correct me if wrong  
> 抱歉 - im sorry  
> 没什么 - it's ok
> 
> also, a note about roy: he adopted ed and al after their mom died. i actually wanted to go with izumi and sig at first bc theyre parent real but then i kept reading fics where roy was extremely paternal towards the two and i went bhjggvggvh hh h hh ... . ... . roy.... .. . . dad.... . . .
> 
> and another note, riza and roy arent living together and arent married bc roy is her ranking officer and thats tricky business man!! but they.... are the ultimate power couple... riza holds all the power actually and roy has one single braincell but still.
> 
> no word from the cryptid........... yet §ԾᴗԾ§
> 
> tysm for reading, and putting up with my long fucking note here, id die for u all. (*´o`*)ʖˋʖˋʖˋ～♡


	3. sudden worldbuilding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its been 84 years....

**#general**

 

**not ni hao kai kan**

+_+

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Oh!! Paninya!!

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

YEAH FOOL

im here

 

**winnie the pooh**

weve been waiting to say something lol

this is my girlfriend paninya !!

 

**mr barnes**

YOU REALLY ONE UPPED ME AND LING HUH

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

;)))

all according to keikaku

 

**mr barnes**

ARG.J FHNGJN

JUST MAKE AN INTRO SO THE 3 DUMBASSES THT DONT KNOW U ARE AWARE

im sorry for saying youre a dumbass lan fan

 

**i dont need a lanny**

I feel like I should be offended over you saying Ling is a dumbass but

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

(∩︵∩)

 

**i dont need a lanny**

I’ve known you for too long Ling

You’re a dumbass

:/

 

 **nsfl (nobofys safe from ling** )

im being bullied by my best friend and my boyfriend ):

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

lmao????

ok im gonna go do the thing

  


**#gay-intros**

  


**cat im a kitty cat**

 

HI IM PANINYA she/her lesbab UHHHH IM FROM RUSH VALLEY AND I DONT HAVE LEGS

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

:o

do you have automail like ed ?

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

YUP

i got some sickass shit in them too ;))

 

**mr barnes**

SHE STOLE MY FUCKING POCKET WATCH THEN ALMOST BLEW ME UP WITH HER LEG CANNON

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

**Hm? What? Hm? What?**

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

SJFDBSDGKSGDJGDSKSGBJ YEAH that was my pickpocketing phase

 

**mr barnes**

“pickpocketing phase”

**i have some words to speak,**

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

phase…

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

WHAT ELSE SHOULD I CALL IT

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

…........

you got me there!

but hi !!! welcome ^.^

im mei :) im trans ! she/her !

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

hello!!

ive heard some stuff through win so im a little in the loop but not fully

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

valid !

the dumbass using the kaomojis is my brother ling and @i dont need a lanny is lan fan !

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

helloooo (￣▽￣)ノ

that is the me. i use he/him ^^

am not cis !

 

**i dont need a lanny**

And I use they/them and she/her

I'm nonbinary and questioning on that front ;

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

SOLIDARITY

wow its nice 2 meet u all

tbh you ….. r exactly what i pictured

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

(☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

I'm glad to see you, Paninya :)

Welcome to the server !

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

haha ty al youre so sweet for the brother of that shorty :)

 

**mr barnes**

FUCK OFD

im not good at that shit,,

 

**nsfl (nobodys safe from ling)**

aww its ok ed ^^

ohfickgb gh

djbrg

g

h

h

j

FUCK

BBCHNNGNK

okgoodbye

 

**mr barnes**

…

what just happened

 

**i dont need a lanny**

That's Ling getting his phone taken away during class 

 

**mr barnes**

oh shit

i forgot about school

sorry everybody…

sorry ling……..

not really he deserved that

perish

 

**i dont need a lanny**

He's sending a heart your way.. 

Really he's doing one of those finger hearts

Now he's sending a very stupid face

[puppyeyes. png]

 

**mr barnes**

bfnfnfbffbbfbebenwkdnfbekfbjekmf

 

**winnie the pooh**

awww gay

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

wait how did u forget abt school snebtnrngn????

 

**mr barnes**

i take online classes

its a long story but can be summed up by  **terrible debilitating chronic pain**

basically i have to sit here with ross horseman breathing down my neck when he works from home

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Ross Horseman…

🤭

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

why does it feel like every time i talk to you guys i learn something completely new and unexpected about you <.<

i never saw you but i just assumed it was because you were a junior!!!

it feels like i barely know you all ):

 

**winnie the pooh**

aww its okay mei, its not the same for me or pani!!!

the elrics are just a complicated hot fucking mess of history

 

**mr barnes**

and it all started when the cryptid left when i was 5 

but really, al and i have told you most of the stuff about us, dont sweat it

i mean we still havent mentioned the bastards evil twin brother

but i think thats it?

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

Okay Hold Up.

**What.**

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Uh… It's complicated? Hehe.

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

???? intriguing

al u should tell me later

but im curious why does al go to school w us bc ik u have pain too 😰

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

I mean, that's because I'm able to go to school and not be entirely hindered. I  _have_  chronic pain, but it's nowhere near as bad as brother's. 

Besides, Ed would just sulk around if I were there because he'd feel bad that I chose to not go to school and make friends and stuff for him.

 

**mr barnes**

HHHHGH SHUT THE UP N PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS THEN DUMBASS

ALL OF YOU ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION

I SHOULDNT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY RUNTY LITTLE BROTHER GETTING INTO TROUBLE

ur not runty just GET THE FUCK OFF UR PHONES

 

**winnie the pooh**

😢

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Aww, Ed, you care about me :)

 

**mr barnes**

NEVERMIND i hope you get detention

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

you guys are so funny dg.j dbvfhjk

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

):

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

i agree mei this is fuckinh funny as hell

im enjoying sitting back and watching

 

**mr barnes**

GET TO CLASS

AND GET OUT OF THE INTRO CHANNEL IF YOURE NOT INTRODUCING YOURSELF

THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE

as server king i WILL eat you all

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

touchy touchy!!

also vore?

 

**mr barnes**

paninya i will KILL you 

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

):

 

**not ni hao kai lan**

i honestly forgot about that/

 

**winnie the pooh**

we all did 😔

come on children, general awaits

 

**#general**

 

**mr barnes**

now that were all here

get the fuck back to class you clowns 

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

I just witnessed Mei get her phone taken away…

She said she was using google translate to understand the lesson.

It didn't go well.

 

**i dont need a lanny**

I find that hilarious seeing as she is actually the most fluent of us all in Amestrian after Fu

Even though Ling and I have been here longer she actually paid attention in Amestrian. I mostly learned it from Fu and Ling… 

Oh I went on a ramble,,,

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

It's okay! You don't need to apologize :)

I find it interesting. Brother was never good at language in general and I never thought to study different languages in full. ówò

 

**i dont need a lanny**

Never too late to start ..!

Though I believe you better get back to class

Winry, Paninya, you too..

 

**i lived, bitch!!**

Eep.

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

hey why call me out i dont go to your school ):<

i have study hall its fiine

 

**i dont need a lanny**

:/

 

**winnie the pooh**

**:/**

 

**cat im a kitty cat**

ok fine ok ok 

byeeeeee

see u shortstuff ;) have fun with the colonel! 

 

**mr barnes**

LEAVE ME ALONE WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU CAN BARELY SEE HIM

AND I WASNT EVEN SPEAKING

and fuck OFF you just jinxed it he stopped by to fuckinf. PICK SOMETHING UP

 

**winnie the pooh**

and exit stage left everyone, running from mustang

 

**mr barnes**

DONT LEAVE ME ALONE TO DEAL WITH THIS

GUYS??

**H**

  


11:56 AM

 

**#edsrants**

  


**mr barnes**

this is stupid but hey. its my fucking channel. my city now 

whatever

h.

i hate being alone. 

 

_…_

 

_Delete 4 messages?_

 

_Yes_

  


2:10 PM

 

 **_[wii theme]_ **  to  **_magnet_ **

 

**[wii theme]**

hehe hellooooooo ^^;

sorry that i couldnt text during the rest of the day, my teacher had my phone ):

but!! hi (‘∀’●)♡

 

**magnet**

oh

oh!

shit

hi...

 

**[wii theme]**

hm…

do you want me to come over?

 

**magnet**

what makes you think that kinda shit

 

**[wii theme]**

i know you, ed,,

and i know something is wrong, even if i cant see your chi rn

let me comfort my boyfriend ?

 

**magnet**

…

okay

sorry

 

**[wii theme]**

its okay. i know you dont accept help easily 

i just want to remind you that you can ask for help and tht im always here ( ˘ ³˘)♥

 

**magnet**

fhhnghbk b.f fbcb

thanks

i

yeah. thanks 

i feel like that sounds so disingenuous

i really am thankful, ling

 

**[wii theme]**

of course 💛

im omw now ^^ ill be there soon

 

**magnet**

…

❤

  


2:34 PM

 

**[wii theme]**

helloooooo (｡･ω･)ﾉﾞ

youre ok just talking like this ?

 

**magnet**

yeah

im nonverbal right now

this is easier for both of us

 

**[wii theme]**

if u say so..!

but hey… really. 

do you wanna talk about what happened…?

 

**magnet**

no

not right now

maybe later

idk

 

**[wii theme]**

ok 💛

how about a nap then ｡^‿^｡

 

**magnet**

im gonna kick your ass later for being so nice

but

ok

 

**[wii theme]**

(-‿◦☀)

 

**magnet**

sndndnfnndngndkefnng shut up 

 

**[wii theme]**

(*‿*✿)

 

**magnet**

i hate you

what happened to the nap 

 

**[wii theme]**

☆～（ゝ。∂）

 

**magnet**

jesus christ ling stop it youre makibg me laugh and im going to fucking punch you

 

**[wii theme]**

๏[-ิ_•ิ]๏

ow ):

 

**magnet**

thats what u get bitch

just

nfngnfngmdmfmdmmt

 

**[wii theme]**

dnfngngn i knowww

this is us *ଘ( ॢᵕ꒶̮ᵕ(꒡ᵋ ꒡ღ)zZ‥

 

**magnet**

…

correct

thank you ling

 

**[wii theme]**

💛!!

 

**magnet**

❤

  


3:54 PM

 

 **_tin can_** to  ** _operation edling_ **

 

**tin can**

[aww.png]

For blackmail purposes ;)x

 

**mechtech**

enndntndntndng al i didnt think youd actually  **do it**

 

**is that a chicken?**

this sparks joy +v+

theyre so sappy its gross but thank for the blackmail :)

 

**tin can**

Of course :))))

 

**mechtech**

i want to say gay but thats not correct JJFBFNGKFMG

but not straight either…

yallre queer rights

 

**is that a chicken?**

AAAAAAAAA

nfbgndkdlsfnnggn 

shut up!!!

 

**mechtech**

ooh al is speechless

;) ;) my work here is done supergay away

 

**is that a chicken?**

i regret befriending you all

 

**i want to be ninja**

😔

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE ): i was so busy with my production and all that i didnt have any time to update. i have two chapters that ill be dishing out (SOON???), especially since this week is duty-free since im staying at my grandmas. i have some stuff lined up and ideas for future chapters, and ill try to move back to posting wednesdays, but i really wanted to get this out, schedule be dammed.
> 
> thanks for reading n sticking with me???? hgjkgb i know this kinda is sucky so! tbh this may be my least favorite chapter ive already written out... tho most of it is ME projecting on ED im so sorry. i really wanted to write in nonverbal ed and how he feels towards being alone because like. i vibe with it. i understand it. and FUCK i love writing for neurodivergent characters because it makes sense to me. enough babbling tho
> 
> i have a lot of thoughts and ideas about what it would be like for these kids modern era, and i know theres probably plot holes i havent addressed. like lings situation. dw. i have actual reasoning that is going to be talked about in story. also, more papa roy, because. need me a freak like that g?d :flushed:. also actual writing, as in out of the chatfic format, because i actually do that. a lot more than i do chatfics, actually. im a lot more used to it. this format makes it a challenge tho, to try to actually get the right characterization! which is fun. i also want to mention that my chapters for this usually run to 13 pages long, so. yeah. thats how much i write for this got damb fic. and im super okay with it? because i ove this fic! i hope yall do too ??
> 
> if ud like come find me on tunglr, im always open to getting asks n stuff! im disappearing to try to get back into studying, but ill keep my tumblr open, yall know where to find me @retrocartridge! 
> 
> have a good weekend yall, cause its shabbat time for me B)

**Author's Note:**

> u can find me at @retrocartridge online uvu
> 
> i think ill finally implement a posting schedule, and from today, it will probably be every wednesday, anywhere from 4pm-10pm PST. weehaw yeehaw!


End file.
